Fruit and Veggie Conspiracy
by twilightaddict13
Summary: Bella has a rough time with cutting a mango and baking a potato. The Cullens are enjoying her suffering. Based on a true story...This is kinda dumb, I advise you to NOT read it.


**A/N: OK, SO THIS IS A TOTALLY TRUE STORY!!IT HAPPENED TO ME LIKE 5 MINUTES AGO AND THIS IS MY WAY OF VENTING!! EVEN THE MANGO PART. THIS WHOLE THING IS BASED ON MY UNFORTUNANITY (is that a word?) And within a two day time period too!**

It was just another day at the Cullens' house. We were all just sitting in the living room watching t.v. Esme was working outside in the garden and Carlisle was in his office doing whatever it is he does in there. When a commercial came on, my stomach betrayed me.

"Holy crud Bella! That's like the fifth time your stomach's growled."

"Emmett's right, love. You really should go eat something." Edward sat me upright and kissed my forehead.

"But I don't want to." Of course that didn't stop him. He stood me up and walked to the kitchen.

I opened the refrigerator and found very little. I decided on a potato. Hm, I'm all of a sudden craving a _baked _potato. Right when I finished preheating the oven, Alice walked in with Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie right behind her. Edward was leaning against the counter with his hand holding his head trying to hide the silent laughter causing him to shake a little.

"Oh great. Alice, what'd you see?" This couldn't be good. After all, what was so interesting about baking a potato?

"Oh nothing. Proceed." Definitely not good! Oh well screw it. I'm hungry.

I set the timer for 10 minutes. We stayed in the kitchen just talking. Once the 10 minutes was over, I flipped the potato onto it's other side and waited another 10 minutes. Our conversation picked up once again. The timer went off.

" Ok. Should be done." I grabbed the potato and to my surprise, the foil wasn't hot. I figured it needed a little more time. I repeated my 10 minutes process. I heard a few giggles escape from the vampires standing behind me. Wonderful. Just wonderful.

I took it out of the oven and set it on a plate. I unwrapped the foil half way and used a steak knife to cut down the center. Still wasn't done. Dang!

"Let's try this again."

"For god sakes, Alice. What is so freaking funny?!" Alice had been standing there failing miserably to hold in her laughter. The others were grinning widely.

"Nothing Bella….You'll see."

An hour. This should be it. I took out the potato and to my surprise it was still hard as a rock. Why will this not cook?! I put it back in the oven and slammed the door closed. I refuse to have a vegetable outwit me!!

"You should have just gone for a mango. Like you did last time."

"Gasp! Why would you even bring that up Emmett?! _That's not even funny, OK. That stupid mango can just…just…UGH!!"_

This time it was Jasper who called out my painful memory, "I don't know Bella. That was kinda funny."

Yesterday I was in the mood for fruit. I only had a mango left. My grandma used to cut mangos up for me and we'd share it. Well I have no clue how she did it.

Have you ever tried to cut a mango? It's freakin impossible!! Almost like this dumb potato!!

So I washed the mango and got out a knife. I tried to cut straight down, but my knife swirved a bit. I tried to cut it again, but the same thing happened. I just said 'Oh well.' and went on trying to take off the skin. Of course, Charlie didn't have a peeler so I couldn't use that. I had to do it the old fashioned way. The skin was really hard to get off. It was a very stiff mango. If fruit could be stiff…Anywho, it took me 15 minutes just to cut 5 pieces. By this point I was super frustrated. Damn thing was going to cut!! Getting curious, I took my knife and tried to stab it in the center. To my surprise, it bent. It curved my knife!! This sucker was going down! I sat there beating the crap out of the mango with my distorted knife. Alice got a crack out of it. I swear if vampires could cry, she'd flood the kitchen, 'Oh. Do you think this is funny? Am _I_ funny? Am I _clown_ funny? Do I _amuse _you?' 'Maybe you should try cutting _around _the bone.' --Huh? What was she talking about? Sure enough I looked down to see something white and hard showing beneath the fruity part. What the hell?! 'Since when do fruits have bones?! I've never seen a fruit with a freaking bone?! I just spent an hour trying to cut a freaking FRUIT BONE?! How the…what…bone? UGH!!" Emmett and Edward got back from hunting and walked through the front door to me and Alice. I threw the mango as hard as I could. Emmett dodged it and looked at me like I was crazy, ' What? I'm not crazy. The damn mango was the one who decided to grow a freaking bone!! What did they do? Put it in Miracle Grow for god's sake?!"

Ah, yes. Painful memory. I don't like mangoes thanks to yesterdays little charade.

"Bella. Earth to Bella! Your timer's going off." I looked up at the timer. Sure enough, it had gone off. I grabbed the potato. It should be do-what? "What the crap?! What is this thing, _heat resistant?!_" With that everyone laughed. I mean they really laughed. Ok, I'm not sure if it was that funny. More like irritating and annoying and stupid and…grrr! I literally threw the potato in the stupid oven, slammed the oven door shut, and set the timer for 20 minutes.

…Nothing. "Bake YOU DAMN VEGGIE!" It was going to bake whether it was the last thing I do! The timer went off after a long silent, even though there were a few giggles.

"Ok, screw this. I'm using the microwave."

Remembering that microwaves are much faster than ovens, I only put it in there for a minute. I was sure it was done. HOLY CRAP!! It still wasn't soft!!

I just used my steak knife and cut it further. When I finished the potato split into two hard halves. Perfect. Just great. I got out the butter, pepper, and a few herbs to put on it. Of course, the room was howling with laughter. I slapped everything on. Wonderful, I forgot to put the butter on first. Oh My Gosh, does this world hate me? I tried to scoop out the center and mix in the condiments, but the potato was too hard and just crumbled. "I HATE YOU!!"

I grabbed my knife and began my slaughtering.

"HA!! _MASHED POTATO_ NOW!! WHAT NOW, BITCH, WHAT NOW?!"

**(a/n: ha, and those were my exact words. I was home alone at the time…"**

The 5 vampires just stared at me with bulging eyes. I looked down at my plate and so a massacred potato. It didn't even look edible. I just grabbed my fork and stabbed in the mess.

"_It's a conspiracy I tell you!! They're all working against me!!"_

Edward spoke up, "Uhm, Bella. You do know you had the oven 100degrees lower than what it was supposed to be…"

"Are.You.Serious. _Why didn't you tell me!"_

They all laughed. Edward still laughing trying to form words. "…I.."

"_Rhetorical Question, Edward!!"_

**(a/n: I totally got that from Mr. Woodcock.)**

Ugh. I took one bite and threw it in the trash. Literally threw. Stupid mango stupid potato can go burn in a freaking Ice-Box!

**A/N: Ah, yes. As I sit here tonight reminiscing this little incident, I feel nothing but hatred for the two…Yeah, sorry it wasn't that funny. This was actually more to help **_**me.**_** I just needed to get it off my chest. Whew. Breathe. Ok, I'm good. Thanks for all the reviews on my other stories!! Much appreciated!! Sorry you had to suffer threw this one…**


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